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Moscow Police, and Judge Henry Globe QC

MOSCOW MEDITATIONS

It might not be obvious to you, but the Fiver’s can you wash canada goose jacket a bit of a Russian literature buff. Its favourite bit of War and Peace comes just can i put my canada goose jacket in the dryer after the bit where Anna Karenina’s husband pushes that old woman in front of the train to get the Kazmarov sisters’ money and the only way of saving Moscow from the armies of jumped up French pipsqueak Michel Platini is for Leo Tolstoy to write a rousing 553-page treatise on Russian peasant farming methods. It’s even better than the bit in Wuthering Heights when Mr Darcy buy canada goose jacket australia finds out his real dad is Darth Vader.

These days the only foreign forces threatening Moscow are, judging by Sir Alex authentic canada goose outlet online Ferguson’s comments today, some Spanish hacks with the temerity to ask him about Cristiano Ronaldo’s future. “You get some idiots in this place don’t you,” he purpled, Rio Ferdinand sat next to him in blissful ignorance. “If you want to have a bet on it, I’ll put a big bet on with you,” he added, before sitting back looking as smug as someone who’s just got a nine-letter word on Countdown that Susie Dent couldn’t work out – even with her special computer.

Elsewhere, the expected influx of boozed up Surreyites has failed to materialise for Big Cup final. In fact the Moscow police are so confident they won’t have to wipe bits of rioters’ blood and sputum off their uniforms that they’ve been ordered to wear ceremonial white shirts at tomorrow’s final. Uefa seem pretty peppy too: they’ve confirmed the pitch is fine to play on despite initial fears that, like the Fiver’s sister, it was a bit ropey and hadn’t got laid properly. Luckily it’s been sorted out by an array of burly men poking and prodding it with their big tools.

“[Our] officials have seen the pitch and have reported that it is perfectly playable with no problems raised,” said Uefa general secretary David Taylor. “The only problem is that the colour may not be ideal, but the pitch is playable.”

So, there you go, apart from a Day-Glo pink pitch, all will be well tomorrow. And with that, the Fiver can sit back and relax with Dostoevsky’s seminal biography of Joey Barton, The Idiot.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Referees in the Premier League as well as [Big Cup] come to see me before the matches to tell me ‘today, we don’t dive, eh?’. I would love to reply ‘I’m a footballer, not a swimmer’, but I think they wouldn’t listen” – Didier Drogba explains why he has every right to engage in heavy petting whenever Chelsea score from a penalty he’s won by diving in the opposition penalty area.

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NOT A THIEVING MAGPIE, JUST A VIOLENT ONE

Last December Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton gave an interview to the BBC in which he bemoaned the media’s supposed eagerness to depict him as a despicable yob. “They only put out what I’ve done, not what someone else has done,” he solemnly lamented. “They don’t care about true facts … it’s like I’m guilty before I’ve been proved innocent, whereas other people are innocent before being proved guilty.”

Three weeks after that interview was broadcast, Joey became entangled in an incident in Liverpool city centre, as a result of which he today found himself in court wilfully dispensing with the presumption of innocence by admitting a charge of assault and affray. Liverpool Crown Court was treated to CCTV footage of the footballer confronting a group of people on Church Street and knocking an unidentified man to the ground, before straddling him and punching him up to five times while Barton’s cousin, Nadine Wilson, 27, threw food at the victim. It was suggested that Barton proceeded to punch the man another 15 times. It was stated that he also attacked and punched a 16-year-old, leaving best canada goose jacket review him with broken teeth.

Today Judge Henry Globe QC ordered Barton to pay the youth